Consumers have to realize, there are rules to shopping. I know you feel empowered by your ability to spend, but you MUST follow these rules during the Holiday Season because there are so many more people in the stores with you.
5. Don't Talk on Your F-ing Cell Phone While Paying For Your Purchase.
This is so personally offensive to me, I have actually asked people in front of me to cease and desist on several occasions. I mean, did you buy your home while not paying attention? Does not the person ringing your purchase deserve the dignity of eye contact, and perhaps even a "thank you", you dolt?
4. Don't Haggle!
If your name is not William Shatner, you have no right to bargain. There are certain places that find such low behavior acceptable; used car lots, drug dealers and hookers come to mind. However, when you see a sign at Nordstrom that says "75% off", you should be thanking your lucky stars, not asking the embarrassing, "Is that the best price?"
This year don't wait until Christmas to find dignity under the tree, start now. Pay or walk away.
3. Don't Bring "Muffy" to the Mall.
Generally speaking, this is a trick by unattractive, badly dressed hags, young and old alike. They are not concerned about their dogs being home alone while they run out for a few hours. The concern is how, between their 14 facial surgeries and ill-fitting, age-inappropriate Juicy Couture? velour track outfit, they will be received by the public at large.
There are enough people at the stores this time of year for me to have to be worried about stepping in doggie poo WHILE TRYING ON SHOES!
One year when I (full disclosure)worked in retail, a woman brought a damn MONKEY in the store I worked. Yes, you heard correctly, a f-ing monkey. The woman was there for less than 2 minutes before she walked to the counter, the monkey jumped off her shoulder and... wait for it.... wait for it... PISSED on the countertop!
She looked down, gave an embarrassed smile and then, WALKED OUT.
No sorry. No slapping the monkey (ha ha, oops). No offer to wipe up the simian soup. Just eased on down the road.
The haz-mat team cleaned the glass and the stains on the counter, but as you can tell the stain on my soul remains.
Leave "Fluffy" at a friend's if you must, but spare us the recycled IAMS.
2. Don't Get Mad About Sold Out Ad Items.
That is why retailers advertise, to sell not just stuff, but particular stuff.
While any reasonable person understands that it's 5 minutes to close on Christmas Eve and you have a perfectly good copy of the August advertisement, but sometimes other people like the things you like too.
Therefore, choose something else we have in stock, ask for a suggestion, or start thinking of which color Walgreen's cassette player you will be giving your wife best matches the ink on the divorce papers she gives in return.
Take 5 minutes now and develop a plan, nobody is that busy.
1. When Returning Your Gifts, Don't Tell Us the Story of Why... Unless Asked.
I don't care that you are allergic to bottled water (nobody is!), just say I need the cash or say nothing.
People are quick on the draw when explaining the many reasons they cannot keep the UN- OPENED, UNWRAPPED gift they seek refund for. It is not the store's business why you are bringing it back, and if the salesperson wanted to listen to stories of your familial oddities, they would put your ass on the couch and make you pay by the hour.
Every person feels bad about bringing stuff back. However, you shouldn't, unless it was given with true sentiment. In that case you disgust me, you ungrateful succubus!
So save the story and take this voucher for $2 over to the Service Desk for your refund.
