5 Rules for Retailers This Holiday Season

There are rules in every relationship. These apply to every retailer I plan on visiting this Holiday Season while Christmas Shopping, but feel free to keep them in place year round.

5. Don't Ask If I Want to Open a Charge Card. 

We are at a period of time where people trust banks less than pimps. Anyone with a brain is consolidating their cards to Amex and, perhaps, Mastercard. Ask me if I want to buy some weed before you ask me if I want another credit-card. So I will take a pass on your offer Mr./Mrs. Hot Topic.

4. Don't Try to "Sell" Me.

I am here for the $3 - 60" flat screen television set  with home theater system. I am not surprised it's sold out, but don't try to sell me the $5.25 version. I know it's a great deal, but we are in a Depression, man.

3. Stop putting so many "Sale" signs everywhere. 

I think the sale flyer I received in the mail, the sale sign in the window and online, the sale sign on every fixture and at the register are quite enough. I have seen them at the urinal, back of the bathroom stall door and even at the doctors office. Give me a break, you are starting to sound desperate.

2. DO NOT CALL ME!!! LIKE NEVER, EVER!!

I did not know people still purchased stuff over the phone. At least not since the internet has been invented. So let me ask the question:

Do I buy from someone I have never met over the phone, something that I cannot see and have know way of knowing what you will do with my information? Or...

Do I go the "risky" route and buy online, where I can see everything, compare prices, read reviews, ask experts and pay, all in a 100% guaranteed secure environment?

Enough said!

But even worse...

1. DON'T ASK ME IF I AM "LOOKING FOR SOMETHING SPECIAL"!!!

This happens all the time. My response is always the same, "Nope, I am looking for something average, or even sub-par if you have it."

Who, in their right mind, would buy a gift for anyone they did not think was special?

The question is so tired, thoughtless and condescending.

I made an effort to get off my duff and do some shopping, I deserve a little effort from your greeting. I don't know, maybe "Hello" might be apropos.

Let's all get along now.