Tucking Awesome

If you have to tuck your tie in your shirt to sit and eat lunch, what say you stick to food you eat from the jar until this whole teething thing passes.

Perhaps strained carrots or peas?

Ditto for Tie-Over-The Shoulder guys.

Elimi-Date

If your husband's family just started walking upright and he will shave his back for Dale Earnhardt, but not you....

You are not married to a sports enthusiast, you're married to a homosexual caveman!

By the way, why don't people at Nascar races wear shirts? I have been in the South a crapload of times and everyone is as well-dressed and pleasant as can be.

Urban Campers

If you camp outside in freezing late-November weather, braving: cold, wind, rain, sleet and snow....

If you brave the countless insults from: Mall cops, police officers, store employees and news anchors....

If you refuse: warmth, running water, cooking gas, a normal bed, a change of clothes and normal food....

If you choose to ignore: your work schedule, girlfriend, wife, husband, crying children, friends and neighbors....

If you are up to the challenge of fighting: parking lot pigeons, seagulls, rats, criminals and hobos....

If you are willing to skip: your annual family gathering, the Holiday play at your nephew's school, all the great football on television and your mother's famous turkey stuffing....

To camp outside Best Buy for a few days, all in the name of saving $11 on an iPod, I have news for you...

YOU CAN'T AFFORD AN iPOD!!!

Or a plasma television, or a laptop.

That money needs to go to counseling!

LOO-HOO-HOO, ZER!

One Of Life's Great Treats

Treat yourself to one of life's great treats.

If you are in the vicinity of the Peninsula Hotel, just a block west of Michigan Ave. at Superior, there is no way you should pass up Pierrot Gourmet's, WORLDS BEST HOT CIDER!

They regulate the temperature of the cider to the outdoor temp. So if it is very cold, the cider is made very hot. However, if the temp is more mild like today's lows 40's, the cider is served hot, but at a drinkable temperature.

The crew knows a bit about the temperature because the drink stand is OUTSIDE the restaurant. Warm friendly faces and attitudes to match make this a stop every Chicagoan and tourist should put on your schedule.

The Hot Cocoa, served with a semi-sweet chocolate plastic stirring spoon, also cannot be beat.

Notice also, they maintain their 5-Star standards (hello authentic sterling silver carafes), even outdoors.

Yum Yum for your tum!

Who Wants to be a Millionaire?

I saw Slumdog Millionaire this morning.

Without seeing any other contender, Doubt included, I am certain it is the Best Movie of 2008. I really don't care if it wins an Oscar or Golden Globe. It would be nice if the Academy recognized this work of art, but if not, so what.

I can reveal nothing about the film, except my being aware very early on, perhaps four to five minutes in, that I was witnessing a masterpiece.

The movie's Director, Danny Boyle, has now managed, in six short years, to give us 28 Days Later, Millions and now, Slumdog Millionaire.

If someone wants to tell me another director with a resume of three more; original, engrossing and vastly different films since 2002, I await your call breathlessly.

There is no question now, he is among the creative geniuses of the genre. 

All that said, not even his direction matches the performances of the cast of Slumdog Millionaire. Almost every face will be fresh to Western audiences, but I found myself on several occasions thinking of how much more salary the Nicole Kidman's of the world command for much less-impactful work. 

As stated before, I will give you nothing of the plot. The less you know walking in, the more rewarding the experience. 

I was fortunate enough to share the experience with the love of my life. We both found it to be an unforgettable pleasure.

Now go! BUY TICKETS HERE.

#10 Best Movie You Have Never Seen

Midnight Cowboy

On a steamy early-September evening in 1974, Jon Voight gave the performance of a lifetime. Proof of his greatness arrived on June 4, 1975, in the (very fine) form of his daughter, Angelina Jolie Voight (Pitt).

His only other worthwhile contribution to society is Midnight Cowboy, an unsettling look at a midwestern  farm boy's hard path to stardom in the big city.

Dustin Hoffman is along for the ride, giving an unforgettable performance as Ratso Rizzo.

I love it, so you will too.

Trailer here:

Buy it HERE.

#9 Best Movie You Have Never Seen

Babette's Feast

A mysterious stranger comes to an isolated village and attempts to change the lives of it's aging populace.

Generic, I know, but few films work on this level.

If you like food, wine and family relationships, Babette's Feast will be such a unique treat.

One thing, this will NOT be for everyone. So steer clear if the trailer throws you, but those that stay will be rewarded.

Trailer here:

Buy it HERE.

#8 Best Movie You Have Never Seen

The Elephant Man

Yes, we all had to watch this in Social Studies as kids. Yes it was boring and weird when we were young. However, now that we are little older, the movie takes on new meaning, revealing a texture not available to us as youths.

The Elephant Man is a true story, which makes it all the more amazing. But the truly amazing thing is that it introduced us all to one Sir Anthony Hopkins AND Adagio for Strings in one movie.

I defy you to name another film that has achieved this distinction.

Trailer here

Buy it HERE.

#7 Best Movie You Have Never Seen

Barbarian Invasions

Can a film movie about dying be fun? Yes, of course it can. If you choose to treat the subject in a dignified manner and you envelope a great script with a strong ensemble cast.

Barbarian Invasions does this and more. I have not cried this much since I had to sleep in a chopped onion factory as a kid.

Here is the trailer:

Buy it HERE.

#6 Best Movie You Have Never Seen

Papillon

This film is why so many people miss Steve McQueen. And at the same time, it's why I have no problem with Dustin Hoffman cashing his check for THIS DRECK.

Every good movie list has a prison film on it, so here is mine.

Here's the trailer:

Buy it HERE.

#5 Best Movie You Have Never Seen

There Will Be Blood

When a movie this good grosses $40 million dollars with all the Oscar buzz it had last year, I know most people have not seen it. That gross is on par with the Vin Diesel film Pitch Black, a movie nobody I know has seen, or will at least admit they have seen. So There Will Be Blood belongs on the list, and I though of putting it closer to the top.

The box-office obstacles for this tour-de-force were many:

• Length, at 2 hours 38 minutes
  
• A director known for requiring ADD to be checked at the door during the "fun" Holiday Movie Season.
  
• A plot surrounding oil, when gas prices were at record highs throughout the United States.
  

All of which does not excuse the public for not beating a path to it's (theatrical) door.

Paul Thomas Anderson, in just under three hours running time, lays out the framework for how the West was really won; through hard work, determination, unbending, unwavering faith in yourself, followed by incalculable degrees of cut-throat cunning, con-jobbing, organizing, expanding and monopolizing, followed ultimately by paranoia. 

All of these traits are not just present, but embodied in the soul of precious metals-miner, turned oil prospector Daniel Plainview. Daniel Day-Lewis is so convincing in the role, I could not imagine shaking his hand without thinking he is about to go upside my head with some nearby object. 

Anderson sets the story in turn of the century Texas, with many scenes in the first 45 minutes involving little to no dialogue. While many decried this as pompous, I think the sparse dialogue is what makes the movie work. For Paul Dano's thunderously verbose portrayal is all the more potent when released into this vacuum.

The scenes of Plainview developing his ability to manipulate those he needs over the landscape of the film is both, worth the price of admission and difficult to watch, as you can see by the glint in his eye, he knows he's on to something.

The only caveat to There Will Be Blood is, those who are more intricately aware of American history will get loads more from the film. However, there is more than enough there for everyone.

Last thing, the soundtrack stayed with me longer than any other, once I left the cinema, since Grizzly Man.

Buy it HERE.

#4 Best Movie You Have Never Seen

Ratatouille

This is only here because so many people I know do not have children and consequently, have steered clear of the entire Pixar catalogue.

Take it from me, the minute you have children, you will come to thank Pixar, the only movie studio that regularly creates entertainment for the entire family.

Anyway, Ratatouille is not a great family film, it is truly a great film.

A young man who cannot cook finds work in an once-great restaurant. After he is charged with disposing of a recently trapped rodent, but cannot bring himself to carry out the execution. The resulting bond of this decision is developed against the back-drop of several different plot twists. 

If you are a human (and I assume you are if you are reading this blog) and veeeeeery strong, you may get through the last five minutes without tears, the fourth time you watch. By then it becomes just heart-warming. 

Director Brad Bird delivered what I consider to be the best movie in the Pixar catalogue (though I think Wall-E is much more cerebral). A beautiful film that leaves no stone unturned in attention to detail. This kitchen tale comes alive at the outset and remains so throughout.

Buy it HERE. And watch all the extras, they are as good as the film.

#3 Best Movie You Have Never Seen

City Of God

For all the accolades showered upon Al Pacino for his portrayal of Tony Montana, and Javier Bardem as Anton Chigre in No Country for Old Men, Lendro Firmino's turn as Lil Ze in City of God outpaces both in sheer menace.

There are a considerable number of scenes during the film where you find yourself asking, "where'd they find this animal." He is brooding, terrifying, unsettling and, ultimately, an emotional train-wreck.

His portrayal is epic, but believe it or not, the story is even stronger. Two friends come of age in a world you and I pray we never visit in our dreams, the slums of Rio. They end up on two very different paths, while remaining dependent upon one another as trusting friends.

Suffice it to say, this movie will redefine your views of your nephew's "bad" behaviour, for these kids live on a moral plane reserved exclusively for the incarcerated.

 

The rest you will need to see, but I can state emphatically how I was floored when this did not walk away with the Oscar for Best Picture. 

Equal parts poignant, vicious and mind-blowing. This will disappoint only the most simple-minded of people.

Buy it HERE.

#2 Best Movie You Have Never Seen

A Face in the Crowd

The first thing to know about this movie is, the star role is played by Andy Griffith.

The second thing you should know is, you will never watch "The Andy Griffith Show", or television for that matter, in the same light again.

In 1957, the Elia Kazan-directed, Budd Schulberg-written A Face in the Crowd, hit movie theaters. I have no idea what the impact of this film was on the general public back then. I cannot imagine this movie could have been as meaningful then, as it so obviously is today.

It covers, in no ambiguous terms:

Alcoholism

Adultery

The early days of Television

Corporate greed

The underside of politics

Mass media deception

Egomaniacal celebrity

Using "small-town values" to sell villainy 

Underage sexual depravity

Sexual Predation 

Apologist relationships

I could go on, but I am trying to give away none of the plot.

All I will say is that it is unyielding, and you must see it. Disturbing from the minute the opening credits start, to the minute they close the picture.

Kazan may have ratted out all his buddies, but he did leave a piece of art for which we all owe him a bit of thanks.

Buy it HERE

#1 Best Movie You Have Never Seen

Dodsworth

William Wyler's 1936 masterpiece gives us so much to consider, you are left wanting to watch the movie again, immediately.

Dodsworth is an extraordinarily brave and mature look at the decisions we all make in our lives. There are several, literally, cringe inducing scenes which spark feelings of deep resentment towards multiple characters. The easy road is constantly made available throughout this masterful script, but Wyler instead chooses to take another, the one most people go to the cinema to forget about.

Of course this is the essence of it's greatness. The fact he chooses to show the great fragility of human nature which allows us to spray perfume on an essentially dead carcass, because we have become accustomed to it's presence.

Walter Huston is magnificent as a recently-retired auto tycoon, not quite sure what to do with himself. And Ruth Chatterton is outstanding in the role of his wife, a woman thumbscrews are too good a punishment for.

Watch this movie with your lover and you will come out of the experience all the better for having done it together.

Buy it HERE.

Is This Woman the Obama of the Fashion World?

Me thinks she is:

Jourdan Dunn is beating down stereotypes, while taking the game in a whole new direction.

And she just won "Model of the Year"!

Read More HERE.

Hand Me Downs

What in the hell is "second-hand smoke?"

I really think smoke is smoke. 

I don't think there is really that big a difference in smoke and "second-hand" smoke.

The only difference is non-smokers do not directly ingests the smoke into the chest cavity at an increased temperature and concentration. 

Am I wrong? If so prove it.

Eating IS cheating, ya know!

Trivia tidbit: that is Sean Preston there.

Christian Bale is Bankable and AWESOME!!!!

Next May, go see the most realistic actor in America, Christian Bale.
He made me believe in "the Bat", so his John Conner will be unbelievable!!!!



AWAESOME!!!!

Congrats CSO

The Chicago Symphony Orchestra has brought more honor on my hometown, and city I love.

They are now considered to be the BEST ORCHESTRA IN THE UNITED STATES!

I can tell you from first hand experience, they deserve the title.

Yes, they are #5 in the world, but I have not heard the others yet.

If you live in Chicago, do not despair at the high ticket prices (totally worth every dime), they play so often for free, it makes loving them all the more easy.

Don't take my word for it, see for yourself.

Congrats once more to Principal Conductor Bernard Haitink, et al.

Freezing Smokers, REJOICE!

Hey, if you are one of those poor souls I see standing outside your jobs during the winter months just because you smoke and everyone else at your job "doesn't", then you can thank me later for sending you THIS LINK!

Stay warm bitches.

Apple of My Eye

Why Do Cigarette Smokers Laugh at Crackheads?

When the minute they break the plane of their workplace, they already have the cigarette in their mouth and the match already sparked, ready to get their "high."

That shit takes planning and coordination.

You need to like not talk to people on your way out. 

Not really pay attention to what your co-workers are saying on the elevator, as you dig through that gigantic handbag or briefcase. 

Half-heartedly wave good-bye to the security guards as you zip past them in the lobby. 

Jump ahead of that person running for their bus, to be first through the revolving door. Focused as you spark that flint before the door is even done spinning you through to the outer world. 

Finally sucking back on that glass dic (oops), I meant, little white stick of refreshment.

What the hell man, you cannot possibly, ever, laugh at a crackhead!

Literary Geniuses

I can't stand when I am telling someone how awesome a movie I watched was and they interrupt my excitement to tell me, "the book was better."

I know that, fool! That is why they probably decided to make it into a movie. You ever think of that?

As confessed on a previous post, I do not read fiction. Every person that knows me, knows it. So when I am talking about how awesome "Ready To (Puke!) Launch" was, I don't need someone illuminating it's missing qualities as compared to the book. 

Here is a novel way to share your exuberance, tell me about your amazing book before it is made into a movie. I halfway wanted to read Cormac McCarthy's, The Road because so many people loved the book and told me so, even before it became Oprah's big deal. Dicsovering he also had written No Country for Old Men, another movie I love, almost sent me running off to my local Barnes & Noble.

Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed and I can just wait for the movie, to see how the world looks when it comes to an end.

So people, please! When I am simply trying to make a suggestion of how to spend a couple of hours on a cold winter's night, please don't throw out this old, tired cliche. 

I know you can read.

I know that you read.

Now, because of this post, you can read my mind. 

The world needs more readers, so spend more time here, with us, than up your own ass.

R. Kelly & NASA

When I was a little boy, before the age of "I want to be a rapper or ball-player", I wanted to be an astronaut.

Nobody told me being vegetarian would not be enough.

Read THIS for further understanding.

Someone Tell Me More...

About this Movie, 2012!

Um, Star Trek Looks Pretty Good.

J.J. Abrams, you're a bad man.

Why Prop 8 Matters, Part 5!

Hurry Everyone, Let's Save Citibank!

The news (not the Financial News!) has been dominated by 2 stories for the past 24 hours: Hillary Clinton as Sec. of State and the "need" to do something about Citibank.

The first story is too easy to pick on, and if I am correct, Senator Clinton will afford me plenty of opportunities in the future to get to her.

The other story is just gnawing at my ass!

Everywhere you turn there are people talking about saving this bank. It is "too important to let fail", the "American taxpayer will lose the most" if it goes down and the like.

Well I am not just some uninformed, hilarious, handsome, well-dressed, God-in-the Bedroom kind of guy, though all of the aforementioned are correct. I happen to read and pay attention.

Last May I read the fascinating biography of Prince Al-Waleed bin Talal, Alwaleed. It not only chronicled the life of one of the world's most astute, wealthy and powerful entrepreneurs, it also allowed for an inside look at the inner workings of what is called "western capitalism." He is the largest individual shareholder of Citibank stock, primarily responsible for "saving the company" from itself in the early 1990's with his capital infusion.

For all intents and purposes he is a good, smart, moderate human being. So this is not headed where you're thinking, if you are one of those anti-globalist folks.

I will not share all the details with you, but I find it interesting the difference a year can make.

READ THIS to see why most Americans may think his name sounds familiar. It is from November 12, 2007, just over a year ago.

Or you can just watch this gushing report:

Now let's hurry up and give him some money, we don't want him having to stand in line at the unemployment office.

It Occurred To Me

That people who say, their "Gay" friend, have no Gay friends. 

They may know a gay person, but they are not really friends with them. If they were real friends, they would not need to define (put-in-a-neat-box)  them to a person they have never met.

This also applies to the following:

• "Black"
  
• "African-American"
  
• "Quadroon"
  
• "Octoroon" 
  
• "Bi-Racial"
  
• "White"
  
• "Caucasian"
  
• "Asian"
  
• "Spanich"
  
• "Mexican"
  
• "Hispanic"
  
• "Yellow"
  
• "Jewish"
  
• "Indian"
  
• "Tranny"
  
• "Elderly"
  
• "Fat"
  

To name a few. 

It is however alright to use the term "Native-American", as few people know actual Native-Americans, and that would make for fascinating conversation.

Gym Beam

Why do people always have to tell you they are:

• "Going to the Gym"
  
• "Going to Work Out"
  
• "Going to Yoga"
  
• "Going to a Spin Class"
  
• "Going to Ball-Jammer 202"
  

Huh?

I will be the first to tell you I commend their effort. People that take the time to improve their look and health. deserve all our admiration.

What they do not deserve is our ears.

See I don't mind that you are going, I mind that you are talking about it.

Haven't you noticed that you have never seen my face at your gym? Well that is because perhaps I don't have an interest in going. Which leads one to believe I am equally disinterested in hearing about your time spent there, or your mental preparations BEFORE getting there.

I feel the same way you do when your girlfriend asks you to go to a Baby Shower. You are not going, and you don't enjoy listening to the play-by-play. The major difference is, that I don't need you for sex, so not only do not want to hear it, I don't have to.

So stop telling me about the:

1. Total Bitch at the gym that thinks she is so cute.
   
2. The totally hot chick that trades glances with you on the treadmill.
   
3. All the weird eye-contact in the locker room.
   
4. That girl at the desk you want to ask out.
   
5. The guy that drives hummer that always smiles and holds the door for you.
   

Because, I don't give a shit.

I don't tell you about my trip to Barnes & Noble, so please reciprocate. 

Bare Essentials

I watched a movie the other day where the "heroine" was trying to get away from the life of crime and bad people she encountered daily at her job. 

She was a "stripper, trying to work her way through college."

It occurred to me how often I have heard people use this excuse in movies and in reality (this link lays it out. Excuses and all).

Yes, I have known strippers. You know strippers too, so don't point fingers.

Anyway, the whole idea of the girl just showing a little tit to get through college is just crap! Once you start, you do not stop....unless you find one of those elusive Sugar Daddies or professional athletes that wants to "wife" you.

The honest one's will tell you that, if common sense doesn't already.

Let's, as I so like to do, apply the same thing to men. 

If you were to inquire about that hunky guy I brought introduced you to at the party last week and the conversation went like:

you: Is James dating anyone?

me: No, he's been looking for a good woman for a while.

you: really?

me: yep.

you: Does he live with his parents?

me: Nope.

you: Baby Mama Drama?

me: Nope. No kids. Really looking for that special lady?

you: Does he have a brain to go with those good looks?

me: He is getting his MBA in Finance next June.

you: He's mine. If you let him near another woman before I get to him I'll kill you!

me: He spends all his time studying and working.

you: Where does my future husband work?

me: He makes his butt cheeks clap over at Jimbo's Him-bo's.

you: The male strip bar?

me: Yeah, but it's only to put himself through college. You'll see.

you: No I won't! You can tell the Toxic Avenger there is a difference between being single and wanting to get in his drawers, and putting a single in his drawers. I will have a restraining order by daybreak. Eew!

So you can see, things would be quite different.

Lady's, leave that life to those types of women. If you really have it upstairs, that money is going to make it's way to your doorstep eventually. So leave it alone.

Besides, with the economy being so bad, they will be selling that Prada bag he keeps promising you at Walgreens pretty soon.

Keep your dignity because no one else has the power to do it for you.

After Lunch...

Visit this website

HERE

If you go before lunch, you can just cancel your plans.

Are You Ribbon Me?

Recently I was on the bus and noticed three separate women, with three different colored ribbons on. I had, or have, no doubt that these women are as committed to these charities/ issues as any human being can be. However, curiosity got the best of me. So I wrote down the colors and decided to look up what each ribbon meant. 

I have to tell you I was stunned. 

I thought, perhaps - maybe, there could not be more than 12 ribbon colors, for there are only 12 months and there are usually "Awareness" months to correspond with each ribbon.

Stupid me!

There are actually, according to THIS website, 73 different ribbon colors, and another 3 pending ribbons.

Now, I am no genius, but my son's big ass box of crayons has only 64 colors. We color all the time and in that mix of 64, there are at least 15-20 that we have never found useful.

So what the deal? the deal is a bunch of these ribbons are just bullcrap!

You didn't think I was not going to name names did you?

ROLL CALL (noting that some colors have multiple meaning, here we go):

Orange = feral cats, self-injury (these seem to me to be related)

Yellow = boycott Aruba (for Natalie)

Blue = water quality (does this include bottled)

Purple = children left unattended in cars

White = innocence (this needs a ribbon?), survivors (does not state of what?)

Black = Amish support and Accidents (does not state what type)

Burgundy = cesarean sections, headaches & migraines

Pink = nursing mothers (or sufferers of big tit w/ long, chewed nipple sightings)

Emerald Green = homeopathy awareness (ribbon should be made w/ green tea)

Silver = stalking (so they can spot you in a crowd, I guess)

Red, White & Blue = fireworks safety (make sure ribbon is non-flammable)

Purple and Black = paranormal awareness (though invisible makes more sense to me)

Orange & Green = ritual abuse (do they mean religious) 

There are others, but some things just aren't that funny.

Remember, MOST colors have multiple meanings, so please be sensitive to your co-workers. 

Mike Ditka Loves EVERYTHING Chicago, Almost...

Hey Iron Mike fans. I have been meaning to post this for well over a month, but the election had me wired, so I chose to wait until after.

Enjoy.

Are you ready for some football?

Lest we forget those hometown, midwestern values...

Tamron Hall of MSNBC is Cute...

But she reads the news like she is reading a bomb threat at an elementary school.

She is usually hosting the 9 am EST, weekday edition of the news and each news item is read like there is a new 9-11 attack.

"Today, a FOUR YEAR-OLD BOY won a GIGGLING CONTEST at his SCHOOL IN PENNSYLVANIA!!!!!"

Every man should have a woman with this problem, but confined to the bedroom.

Just imagine:

"BABY PLEASE!!!! TAKE that 2 INCH thing OUT OF ME!!!!"

You get the point. But she is nice to look at.

All Dogs Go to Heaven

Why else would they put up with such miserable existences?

People have to stop dressing up their dogs. We are now past the point of dressing them like people. Now it's all kinds of crap. For instance:

Not just mommy's little princess, not everybody's princess. Puke bag not included.

The owner of this dog decided, after the purchase, that he wouldn't scare anyone. But Hey!, what's scarier than a big bad biker gang? A white poodle dressed as a bad-ass biker gang leader.

I think Mr. Leather would frown upon this shameful get-up.

Of course every dog that has been out working all day, just can't wait to get home and get into their bunny slippers. I don't know about you, but the look on his face leads me to believe he has, thankfully, almost memorized the walk to the taxidermist next to your hair salon on his own.

Did you think I would leave the Halloween costume folks out of this? Surely you jest.

I cannot be certain about many things, but one thing I am most certain of:

The only things worse than being chattel to the human race, is dressing as their FICTITIOUS SAVIOR. Nothing says, "I've reached the bottom of the doggie barrel", like finding out your owner is a member of the Jedi Council, aka Getting Out of Mom's Basement Therapy Group!



Lastly we have the warming devices. If it's too cold where you live for your dog to go out and walk, shit, or play? Then it's too cold where you live for you to own a dog. Period.

No use having your beloved looking like he is being reborn from one of Snuffleupagus's hemorrhoids. Rex deserves more than that.


Besides, I can think of a lot of "THINGS" that can be done with your disposable income.

Check Please!

There is a growing reluctance to "check" for anything.

If I need something at a store that I cannot find.

If someone just noticed that there keys are missing.

If I ask if I can get bumped up to first, or business, class while flying.

If I call for a reservation at a restaurant.

Nobody want to check for me anymore.

They all will, quite cheerfully, "DOUBLE-CHECK!"

What's with that?

I don't need anyone to double-check, that is until they have checked at least once.

Here is a sample conversation from a recent encounter:

me: Do you have anymore of the jelly bean flavored lube in the back?

they: I really don't know. Let me double-check that for you.

me: No, if you could just check for now, we can then decide if a double is necessary.

they: I just told you I was gonna double-check the back.

me: Okay, but if you could just regular check, that would be fine.

they: Get the hell out my store, and take your pretty words with you.

These are the things one must deal with while walking upright in a troglodytic world.

But I suffer onwards for the lot of you.

My Girlfriend's Love of Double Nouns

My girlfriend is a reader. I mean a READER!

One of the most beautiful things about her is how unsettled she becomes when she finishes a book and does not have another on hand to start, immediately.

I think for all the bullshit you hear about men and their big brains, women read more (the sports pages don't count gentlemen). The problem with the imbalance may have to do with what they read.

My girlfriend loves book's with double nouns in the title, or books that animate the inanimate, then give said inanimate object emotion.

The Grass, no thanks.

The Crying Grass, Yes Please!

Solitude, no thanks.

The Lonely Solitude, Yes Please!

The Rock, no thanks.

The Summer of the Worried Rock, Yes Please and is there a sequel? 

The Bully, straight to the clearance bin.

The Linen Bully, possible midnight book launch.

Anyway, you get the point. I usually have her read me the first sentence in each of her books. We like to compare and contrast, or repel and lambaste, depending on how full of themselves the author chooses to reveal.

However there is one thing I must admit about this strange pattern of reading she has. She usually wins our Scrabble games. So while I have found myself to be strictly a fan of non-fiction thus far, perhaps I will start sneaking peaks at that copy of The Knuckle Wedding. 

It couldn't hurt.

Watchmen Trailer

I am sort of geeking out here, but these are the WATCHMEN!

This new trailer is better than all 3 X-Men movies combined. Put on a sweater, those are chills running up your spine.

I must apologize for going off subject here, though I did promise to keep you informed on IMPORTANT Films. So look for me to promote Slumdog Millionaire, as soon as I can figure when it opens in Chicago.

Watchmen 03.06.09!

Founding Father's Fashion

If the idea of Gay Marriage bother you because you feel it would bother the Founding Fathers? Explain these fashions to me:

This is not a ladies hairpiece:

This is available at a colonial GIFT SHOP, not costume store:

These are not reproductions, they are the genuine article from the national archive:

These are genuine as well. Men's shoes:

The only place the Founding Fathers would find more comfortable than Halsted Street, is perhaps HERE.

Get with it folks!

Hey, Long Second Toe...

Where you going in such a hurry?

What's the rush?

Wait for your big sister?

I know you have outgrown her and all your friends think she is fat.

Yes. Yes, I know you have a strong personality and every time she is noticed, everyone thinks you're the weird one.

But she keeps you balanced out there.

I mean, don't all the guys still stare at you in utter disbelief?

Why yes they do!

Your big sister will NEVER take that away from you.

So wait for her, Long Second Toe

Wait for her.

People Hate People, Too

Take a look at this classy costume, people.

Are you struck that, of all the nations on earth, they chose an ASIAN kid to put in the garbage?

So tasteless it smacks of insolence. 

But that is not the point.

Beleive me when I say that NO KID WANT TO BE A F-ING GARBAGE CAN FOR HALLOWEEN. 

NOT EVEN GARBAGE-MEN!!!!!!!!

And guess what folks, the "garbage is NOT INCLUDED!!!!!!!!" That means, if your child is bit slow and has not caught on about the adoption just yet, you have to scrape last nights left-overs on them to round out the look.

This kid is saving his allowance for a bus ticket to Anywhere Else.

However, if you think this kid is being raised by parents that do not walk upright, get a load of the all-time, Department of Children and Family Services, Bad-Parent Hall-of Fame founding, costume for that kid in your life that you only let out of the basement on holidays, when company is around, for a little while, after drugging it.....

YEAH!!!! I am an imitator of foul wind! Hoorah!!!

You say, I have a picture of a lady cutting cheese on my chest?

I say, at least she is wearing pearls.

perhaps they felt looking like an enema bag would be just a tad inappropriate. 

This description for this costume, on the website that sells it, starts by asking the question:

"Is he an expert at making funny noises?"

Don't believe me? Here GO SEE.

But unlike the trash can costume, this one has actually been purchased by a parent and...........REVIEWED!!!!!!!!!!!!!  With a real name....but of the kid...first and last name (Caleb's mom) read it HERE

Also the care instructions say "wash with cold water and HANG DRY."

Now I don't know about you, but I have walked into grandma's bathroom a few times in my life and seen a suspicions bag hanging on the shower rod. I learned to ignore it (after 25 years or so), mainly because I had no idea what it was. If I walk into a bathroom and se this hanging up, I will either:

1. Die from confusion.
   
2. Walk back into the living room wearing it.
   

Don't test me, people!

Why have kids? Hell, why have sex?

Corporations Hate Humans

If ING did not hate humans, why would they do this person like this.....

I spent a considerable amount of time deciding if the sunglasses were for hiding, or being cool while on the job. 

Survey Says...

He is trying to be cool. For no sane GROWN person can hide in baby-blue raybans. 

Too bad, cause bruh' I SEE YOU!

Anyway

Give that brother a full costume!!!! Like So.....

See Research in Motion (maker if Blackberry) at least gives this person the dignity of anonymity. 

Though I am thinking I hope they brought breath mints to work, looks like it can get a bit humid in those things

1000 Words, or Less

There is so much to this photo, where to begin?

With the wavy maiden hair half?

The "bad-ass" Keifer on 24 half?

The fact of them being on the same head?

The peculiar red tint to the martian skin?

The ginger goatee?

The beautifully emasculating enviro-bag?

The impossible to believe rolled-up sleeves giving you a peek at "the guns?"

The deliciously old-school brick sized phone...clipped, just so, to the pocket?

The bleached, washed-out, biker-style, mid-thigh, butt-hugging, tapered jeans that provide the "cherry-on-top" irony of his decision to go belt-less as well?

Why no! I think we start by trying to figure out what is so noteworthy in this area, that he is pointing that camera in any other direction other than for self portrait?

God Bless....Really.

This Is Like Crack

I am so addicted to THIS SITE.

It is a forum where former prisoners discuss recipes "from the inside". I have, literally, spent hours reading through the hundreds of posts, never once walking away without my mind being blown.

My particular favorite comes from a one, KConner56. His recipe for "The Spread" can be found HERE. 

He somehow makes a meal from ingredients that would make the contestants on Top Chef walk off the show.

As for me, I am starting a fast, effective right now.

Incidentally, if you want to create your own South Park character like the psycho above, go HERE.

Romantic Buggy Rides

If your idea of fun is taking a trip back in time to the 19th Century.....

Why stop there. Maybe you need a lifestyle change as well.

Or maybe the early-19th century will do just fine.

For goodness sake, give the damn animals a break people. I have not seen so many unhappy horses since hair weave was invented. 

By the way, that is either the biggest tick in history, or the owners of the horse in the first picture decided that they would research how low a horse's self-esteem could plummet. Obviously cutting him in half was not enough, though I think becoming the dog's bitch may have done the trick.

FFS!

A Sign of The Times

I visited a Whole Foods today and was met by the following:

Before you applaud to much, let me show you something else.

These signs are EVERYWHERE in Australia.

They take into account the physical, emotional and logistical difficulties new and expectant mothers face. This is what I call a sensible attempt to balance everyone in our society.

The person driving a fuel-efficient car being given a spot closer to the door is just fantastically stupid on many levels:

1. Aren't tree-huggers meant to be more healthy? Yes they are, so they can walk a bit farther than your average twinkie-lover.
2. You are asking a person in a car that burns more fuel to drive EVEN FURTHER! That policy is leading to the death of the ice cap.
3. If the program is aimed at producing a better world, explain this. Hybrid cars cost more than regular cars. Therefore those in lower income brackets, that cannot afford to upgrade to hybrids, are automatically excluded from prime parking.
   

Trying to over-think this whole "greening" of America thing is leading to a few really bad ideas. 

What's next a sign telling me not to shit on my stubby legs and small feet while in public?