Any Painters Out There

I want this Oil on Canvas.

Any artists out there up to the challenge?

Passing Gas!

I has to fill up today and noticed, gas has risen by 34% in the last 10 days or so.

WTF!

Another thing, all those new rates they allowed taxicabs to impose due to $5-a-gallon gas?

Well gas is $2.30 right now, after being $1.69 last week!

When are those fees going to disappear?!?!?!?!

A Penny for Your Thoughts

This is currently my biggest peeve:

Yes the ever-present "penny dish."

It's not that I have completely bought into the idea of getting rid of the penny like THESE people.

It's not that when I travel to foreign countries they figure in the tax with the price, so what you see on the ticket is what you pay at the counter, and not a penny (so sad, I couldn't resist though) more.

What bothers me is while we, the citezenry of this society, have given up on the penny, others have said no!

Just what do I mean, you say? I mean this:

We, the people, have decided that pennies are so meaningless, we routinely and thoughtlessly put them in a dish when we are given change at any number of grocery stores, coffee houses, gas stations, restaurants and the like. 

But while we have made the penny an afterthought, the reason the penny dish exists is because the person running that establishment has made the penny PRIMAL!!!

Why else would it be there? I'll wait while you think about this.

The penny dish communicates that store owners' edict that they will never let you walk out of their establishment without paying the COMPLETE bill, down to the last penny. 

Even if it's $1000.03. 

There's no, "forget about it." You had better hope the penny dish has something for you, or it's back to the car to dig between the seat cushions.

How I came to this realization, I will never know, but, man it pisses me off every time I see one of those things.

Stop feeding the beast, let's kill the penny dish off.

GET TO IT!

While We Were Out

Did anyone else know about this?

It's real and apparently it's observed on the third Thursday of December.

That is when, statistically speaking, most office parties are held, thus giving recipients of bad gifts, both reason and persons to unload their undesirables upon.

Holy crap, that's awesome.

More info HERE

Bloated Expectations!

6 Days in and Social Crayon want to know.....

Have you given up on that diet yet? That food you love is still as delicious as ever, and now it's on sale. 

Give up now and instead of starving yourself half to death with your:

popcorn diet

rice cake diet

no carbs diet

no calories diet

no nutrients diet

no vitamins diet

hot water diet

warm water diet

2 enema diet

4 enema diet

26 enema diet

two-finger gag diet

four-finger gag diet

stomach sewing diet

throat sewing diet

teeth sewing diet

straight-jacket diet

just liquid diet

just solid diet

just steam diet

fasting diet

slowing diet

fork diet

spoon diet

straw diet

I am as over it as you are. The big difference is I have to hear about it, while you only have to talk about it. 

Shut up. And the next time you want to open up you mouth try putting some food in it.

It's okay, you're beautiful!

Welcome 2009!!!

I have been gone for quite a while and I am as pissed off about the world as when I left.

Since my last post:

The Colts and Peyton Manning lost to Whales Vagina

Potholes the size of inflatable swimming pools are everywhere in the city I call home.

Obama has pissed me off in numerous ways (Sanjay Gupta? Really?Rick Warren?? Really, Really??).

All my favorite stores are having "take what ever you want and leave a little change on the counter sales", which invite the wrong crowd to shop at my elbows. MOVE IT!!!

My girlfriend got really sick  (1st time in at least two years, I am at year 5).

Lots of snow has led to so many SALTY UGG BOOT sightings, multiple daily sightings are now expected. I mean good grief, Charlie Brown.

The cold weather has driven men to their favorite winter combo of top coats and baseball caps, which is the equivalent of a hot woman wearing a sexy bra and a diaper to bed on your wedding night. If you are going to act grown, and feel grown, dress grown.....ACCESSORIZE!

The mayor has passed more crap legislation that will continue to make Chicago one of the most expensive cities to live in.

Everyone has inauguration fever, like the fishes and the loaves will be passed out on the 20th. 

Chicago politicians are distancing themselves from the politicians of Chicago because the politics of Chicago are not the way politics are supposed to work in a city like Chicago with an upstanding political structure supported by such great politicians as the kinds that you find in Chicago if you are a Chicago politician, but not political in your Chicagoness. Shut up you wankers and just say I didn't get caught yet and pray the feds have nothing on you!

Every Capitalist douche-bag I know is constantly in my face about how everything is going just fine and according to plan, instead of apologizing for their ignorance and hubris. Mind you, all that is done voluntarily, I have still yet to ask my first question about the economy to anyone outside my home. I just think it rude and too personal at this time.

I have had to deal with ridiculous realtors that espouse the virtues of the studio condos they think fit my profile, even though we currently live in a three bedroom home.

I even have had to listen, read and watch every goofball with an outlet "forecast" their "predictions for 2009." 

So I have been busy and I felt how the man at the top of this post looks.

But now I'm back!

DEAL WITH IT!

Merry Christmas, To All

Weathering The Storm

We all are mad at the weatherman right now. 

Their job is, easily, the least accountable line of work in history.

All they do is guess what will happen, then when it doesn't happen as they say, they just say what did happen.

No scorecard, nothing. Just "ha ha" and, "here is a picture from a local elementary school."

Weathermen suck the dog's balls so here are a few things that should balance out your emotions.

He grew up without a Father in the home:

He had Chipotle for lunch:

This guy is so suave, you barely notice the "showers" are leaving...or are they?

Jingoism (Look It Up If You Have To!!!)

There is so much, just absolutely, positively nut-bag stuff out there by military personnel in the form of chest-thumping and the like, it would give the average person an aneurysm. 

Now before you go of on anyone that is sleeping in a hole in the desert this Holiday Season, wearing a uniform that weighs more than the turkey you still have left-overs from Thanksgiving, take a pause....re-think your issues, and kiss my *&%. 

Cause while you are bitching about having to brush snow off your car in the morning, these people would do every car on the block, in their underwear, to be back home with their loved ones right now.

Some of the humor is over the top, some downright disgusting, but occasionally...you come across something undeniably hilarious.

I thought I might share the image above with you because it is actually titled, "The F-Bomb."

BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why Young People Suck!!!

Now is how you get a message across!

I came across this PSA ad while doing some research on the Great Depression and was like, DAMN!

Grandma & Grandpa did not play around when it came to saving energy!

How come we haven't seen this ad with Bin Laden in the passenger seat yet?

I think it is just so like, KICK-IN-THE-STOMACH good.

I now totally understand why my Grandma always told me to, "shut them lights, boy" when I was at her house....She was afraid of Hitler coming through the front door of her St. Louis condo.

Aww Granny, how I miss you so (really).

Signs of the Apocalypse

All over downtown Chicago, I have been encountering these "Falling Ice" signs. 

See, the skyscrapers in Chicago (that's what we are really known for, really) accumulate lots of precipitation (snow, rain, dew?!?!) at their elevated heights and with winds that gust at twice the speed of street level gales, ice forms.

Then it decides when it wants to fall downward and bust you in the F&%(^&(-ing head, causing all kinds of trauma.

What are you going to do when one of these things boinks you on the dome?

That's right "cry" is what you are going to do. That is if you still have brain function.

The law used to make owners of these buildings liable for injury that resulted from their negligence of "facility maintenance."

That got expensive, with all the lawyers and punitive damages and all.

Hiring a person, or contractor, to come, clean up and ensure the facility was safe proved to be much less expensive.

But nothing, price-wise, beat the 2001 law stating: a sign at street level, outside the building, warning pedestrians their skull was probably going to get cracked while walking down the street, is sufficient warning to remove all liability for falling ice from owners and management firms of tall buildings in the city of Chicago.

So next time you se one of these signs, don't stop to read it. You are putting your life at risk.

You should cross the stree...actually, that won't help either because this is the Windy City, nothing falls straight down anyway. 

WE'RE SCREWED!

4 Things You Will Never See On Miami Ink!

This was a very hard decision for me. Do I share this treachery with my readers, or do I just keep it to myself?

Well I think there are lots of people out there that enjoy this blog, so the decision came down to this:

If I don't share the good and the bad with you, how can I remain true to my pledge to remain fearless? What would that say about my integrity?

That said, prepare to lose some sleep folks.

In descending order, these take the cake for tacky, no actually disgusting.....and they are permanent.

WOW

The last one is far and away the worst of the lot. Anyone else notice the care given to really making sure the coloring around the poo hole was exactly like that of an alley cat?

I think I taste something in the back of my throat. 

BGURP!

Eye-dentity Crisis

If your husband, boyfriend, brother, Dad, teacher, co-worker, mailman, grocer, optometrist, cousin, wedding planner, or, God Help Us All, neighbor owns a pair of these glasses, CALL THE FBI.

If you go back through history, these seem to be the eye-wear of choice for every American Serial Killer of the past few decades. I wonder what the appeal is? 

I am serious about this. 

If you choose not to turn them in for the reward money, the least you could do is take them to Lenscrafters on your off day and help them disguise their inner darkness.

Eek! 

I Am Spooked!

Whenever I am in the Belmont and Clark area, I tend to see a bunch of people walking around with these on:

So why is it that people are drawn to green army jackets? 

They are not cheap. 

They are not warm. 

They are not comfortable. 

They are not fashionable. 

They really have no purpose, save your exuding a certain sense of:

Which scares me. So after I crap my pants, I can't shop, so I go back to the West Loop where I belong.

The Perfect Sports Book

If your Man (or Woman) is a golfing fanatic, there is no better recommendation for a Holiday gift than Bob Smiley's, Follow The Roar.

The author, a former rival of Tiger Woods during their amateur days, chronicles Tiger's entire time on last year's PGA Tour. 

Equal parts, hilarious and insightful, Smiley's illuminating travelogue focuses not just on Tiger, but the many facets of time spent on the tour.

A great read*

*there are more than a few people that cannot stand Tiger Woods for whatever reason. Please be sure the person you are buying this book for is not one of those people....because he won a ton last year.

Mayor Daley, Salt of the Earth

With more snow expected to blanket the Chicago-area in the next 24 hours, it's time for the Mayor to re-think his snow removal policy.

The idea that NOT PLOWING OR SALTING side streets after snow storms might be an acceptable method of saving money for the city is LUDICROUS!

You are passing along the cost of living in the city to the resident tax-payers via auto accidents, which will invariably drive up the cost of auto insurance for everyone living in the city limits.

World-class cities deserve world-class decision making.

Gum Boot Knots

This

Plus these

Equal THIS

It's a little problem called "Gum Boot Knot" sweeping the Chicago-area this Holiday Season.

Gum boots are for the rain (ie. Spring and early Fall), not icy pavement, so please put them in storage UNTIL APRIL ladies, it's UGG weather now...if you must!

Eco-Jesus

A pastor in Detroit, Michigan preached from a lectern while sharing the stage with 3 Hybrid SUV's on Sunday.

He said he did it to, "ask God's help in convincing Congress to agree to the auto bailout."

Totally TRUE STORY (See HERE)

If ANYONE out there knows of a church in the Chicago-area, with the cajones to pull a stunt like this on any given Sunday, please inform me NOW!

I am ready to follow this pastor to wherever he is going.

I mean I wake up, go to church and a damn car show breaks out!

REFINANCE YOUR SOUL.

REFINANCE YOUR SOUL.

LORD HAVE MERCY,

REFINANCE YOUR SOUL!

The worst thing about it is the parishioners bought it, wholesale.

<

Proving, there are balls. and then there are GLOBES!

On A Cold Day

Is there any group of people easier to hate than the drivers of CTA buses?

They of the, "nothing for 30 minutes", then BAM!,  3 back-to-back-to-back?

This is the 21st Century, can't they get the schedule right?

And don't you just love that, after waiting on that corner with 15 of your neighbors, the bus that stops is the PACKED one, while it's empty counterpart just zips by.

And don't you love that when you get on that packed bus after you have lost two fingers and a toe to frostbite, the bus driver is angry, AT YOU! "Hurry up, I'm running late", they scream at the top of their lungs, though you are just 16 inches from their face. 

And don't you just love how, now that the bus is sardine can tight with people, the driver decides this might be the time to slam on the brakes at every opportunity, sending Starbuck's coffee and untold amounts of flesh towards your person.

And don't you just love how, since the bus is full to the gills, the driver shows no patience for people trying to get off at their stops, driving off just seconds after stopping, leaving passengers to walk the extra distance from the next stop AFTER the one they wanted.

And don't you love how sometimes while you are waiting for your bus for so long, the mere sight of it in the distance is enough to steel your fortitude, making the "warming dance" you have been doing, in front of that really hot neighbor you were going to ask out, dissipate to rocking? Then suddenly as the bus comes closer into view you notice the "Not In Service" sign and you have to break back into your embarrassing dance, I mean rock. No I mean dance. Don't you just love that?

 

And don't you just REALLY love the driver that pulls his bus 3 feet away from you at the beginning of a run, then pulls out their newspaper and starts to read. All the while there are 25 people waiting to get on, in sub-zero weather. No they cannot read while you are on the bus with them in the warmth, you must freeze your tail off while watching their lips move through the fog emerging from sewer covers.

I mean, you just have to really give it up to anyone that has the ability to give warmth and comfort to their fellow citizens by the mere push of a (open) button, but can dig deep and find the resolve to ignore them instead. 

WHERE?

DO?

THEY?

FIND?

THESE?

PEOPLE?

What is it about a really cold day that just gets my blood to boiling about them?

Oh, I know. I must be thinking about THIS!

Privatizing Treachery

Imagine a world where treachery reigned supreme.

Imagine no more... and Welcome to Chicago.

The city that fines you 10,000%, IMMEDIATELY, for not feeding a parking meter.

Yes, if you are 12 seconds late on that 25 cent parking meter...

• your fine is not 50 cents, which would be 100%..
  
• not $2.50, which would be 1000%...
  
• but a whopping $25.00, a 10,000% fine for your offense.
  

Now if you do not pay that fine in 30 days, these things come in the mail a lot of the time folks, your fine DOUBLES.

So make that a 20,000% fine, your .25 offense is now costing you $50.00.

If applied to your mortgage payment, the average U.S. mortgage being about $1700 per month for a $215,000 home, being late on a payment would mean:

By the time you woke up the morning after that payment was due, you would owe your bank $170,000 for THAT MONTH'S mortgage payment.

If you missed the following month, because you didn't know they had not received your check, your total payment due for that ONE MONTH would be $340,000.

Now imagine if you did not pay (wow who could), you would be locked out of your house without warning and given 10 days to come up with the money. If the money was not paid within 10 days, your house AND IT'S CONTENTS would be sold at an auction you could not participate in or know about.

This is what happens to cars with unpaid tickets in the City of Chicago. I do not want to hear bout how "extreme" the example is, THIS HAPPENS and more often than any of us know of.

All this frustration comes on the heels of the City of Chicago's decision to sell the rights to our parking meter system to a private company for the next 75 years.

The announcement was coupled nicely with news that the mew meter rates for neighborhoods would rise, IN 26 DAY ON JANUARY 1, 2009, from 25 cents and hour to $1.00 an hour, a 400% rate hike.

Think that's horrible?

The parking meters in downtown Chicago will now cost... $6.00 an hour.

That is 10 cents for every minute!

So while there was heated and vigorous debate as to whether the minimum wage should be raised for HUMAN BEINGS, many of which work downtown in eateries at at retailers, from their current rate TO $6.55 an hour now and $7.25 an hour starting July 24, 2009, we all readily accept an inanimate objet needs it's $6.00 an hour to survive.

I say I have no problem with the new rates, as long as they change the parking meters to mirror the picture at the top of this post.