Merry Christmas, To All

Weathering The Storm

We all are mad at the weatherman right now. 

Their job is, easily, the least accountable line of work in history.

All they do is guess what will happen, then when it doesn't happen as they say, they just say what did happen.

No scorecard, nothing. Just "ha ha" and, "here is a picture from a local elementary school."

Weathermen suck the dog's balls so here are a few things that should balance out your emotions.

He grew up without a Father in the home:

He had Chipotle for lunch:

This guy is so suave, you barely notice the "showers" are leaving...or are they?

Jingoism (Look It Up If You Have To!!!)

There is so much, just absolutely, positively nut-bag stuff out there by military personnel in the form of chest-thumping and the like, it would give the average person an aneurysm. 

Now before you go of on anyone that is sleeping in a hole in the desert this Holiday Season, wearing a uniform that weighs more than the turkey you still have left-overs from Thanksgiving, take a pause....re-think your issues, and kiss my *&%. 

Cause while you are bitching about having to brush snow off your car in the morning, these people would do every car on the block, in their underwear, to be back home with their loved ones right now.

Some of the humor is over the top, some downright disgusting, but occasionally...you come across something undeniably hilarious.

I thought I might share the image above with you because it is actually titled, "The F-Bomb."

BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why Young People Suck!!!

Now is how you get a message across!

I came across this PSA ad while doing some research on the Great Depression and was like, DAMN!

Grandma & Grandpa did not play around when it came to saving energy!

How come we haven't seen this ad with Bin Laden in the passenger seat yet?

I think it is just so like, KICK-IN-THE-STOMACH good.

I now totally understand why my Grandma always told me to, "shut them lights, boy" when I was at her house....She was afraid of Hitler coming through the front door of her St. Louis condo.

Aww Granny, how I miss you so (really).

Signs of the Apocalypse

All over downtown Chicago, I have been encountering these "Falling Ice" signs. 

See, the skyscrapers in Chicago (that's what we are really known for, really) accumulate lots of precipitation (snow, rain, dew?!?!) at their elevated heights and with winds that gust at twice the speed of street level gales, ice forms.

Then it decides when it wants to fall downward and bust you in the F&%(^&(-ing head, causing all kinds of trauma.

What are you going to do when one of these things boinks you on the dome?

That's right "cry" is what you are going to do. That is if you still have brain function.

The law used to make owners of these buildings liable for injury that resulted from their negligence of "facility maintenance."

That got expensive, with all the lawyers and punitive damages and all.

Hiring a person, or contractor, to come, clean up and ensure the facility was safe proved to be much less expensive.

But nothing, price-wise, beat the 2001 law stating: a sign at street level, outside the building, warning pedestrians their skull was probably going to get cracked while walking down the street, is sufficient warning to remove all liability for falling ice from owners and management firms of tall buildings in the city of Chicago.

So next time you se one of these signs, don't stop to read it. You are putting your life at risk.

You should cross the stree...actually, that won't help either because this is the Windy City, nothing falls straight down anyway. 

WE'RE SCREWED!

4 Things You Will Never See On Miami Ink!

This was a very hard decision for me. Do I share this treachery with my readers, or do I just keep it to myself?

Well I think there are lots of people out there that enjoy this blog, so the decision came down to this:

If I don't share the good and the bad with you, how can I remain true to my pledge to remain fearless? What would that say about my integrity?

That said, prepare to lose some sleep folks.

In descending order, these take the cake for tacky, no actually disgusting.....and they are permanent.

WOW

The last one is far and away the worst of the lot. Anyone else notice the care given to really making sure the coloring around the poo hole was exactly like that of an alley cat?

I think I taste something in the back of my throat. 

BGURP!

Eye-dentity Crisis

If your husband, boyfriend, brother, Dad, teacher, co-worker, mailman, grocer, optometrist, cousin, wedding planner, or, God Help Us All, neighbor owns a pair of these glasses, CALL THE FBI.

If you go back through history, these seem to be the eye-wear of choice for every American Serial Killer of the past few decades. I wonder what the appeal is? 

I am serious about this. 

If you choose not to turn them in for the reward money, the least you could do is take them to Lenscrafters on your off day and help them disguise their inner darkness.

Eek! 

I Am Spooked!

Whenever I am in the Belmont and Clark area, I tend to see a bunch of people walking around with these on:

So why is it that people are drawn to green army jackets? 

They are not cheap. 

They are not warm. 

They are not comfortable. 

They are not fashionable. 

They really have no purpose, save your exuding a certain sense of:

Which scares me. So after I crap my pants, I can't shop, so I go back to the West Loop where I belong.

The Perfect Sports Book

If your Man (or Woman) is a golfing fanatic, there is no better recommendation for a Holiday gift than Bob Smiley's, Follow The Roar.

The author, a former rival of Tiger Woods during their amateur days, chronicles Tiger's entire time on last year's PGA Tour. 

Equal parts, hilarious and insightful, Smiley's illuminating travelogue focuses not just on Tiger, but the many facets of time spent on the tour.

A great read*

*there are more than a few people that cannot stand Tiger Woods for whatever reason. Please be sure the person you are buying this book for is not one of those people....because he won a ton last year.

Mayor Daley, Salt of the Earth

With more snow expected to blanket the Chicago-area in the next 24 hours, it's time for the Mayor to re-think his snow removal policy.

The idea that NOT PLOWING OR SALTING side streets after snow storms might be an acceptable method of saving money for the city is LUDICROUS!

You are passing along the cost of living in the city to the resident tax-payers via auto accidents, which will invariably drive up the cost of auto insurance for everyone living in the city limits.

World-class cities deserve world-class decision making.

Gum Boot Knots

This

Plus these

Equal THIS

It's a little problem called "Gum Boot Knot" sweeping the Chicago-area this Holiday Season.

Gum boots are for the rain (ie. Spring and early Fall), not icy pavement, so please put them in storage UNTIL APRIL ladies, it's UGG weather now...if you must!

Eco-Jesus

A pastor in Detroit, Michigan preached from a lectern while sharing the stage with 3 Hybrid SUV's on Sunday.

He said he did it to, "ask God's help in convincing Congress to agree to the auto bailout."

Totally TRUE STORY (See HERE)

If ANYONE out there knows of a church in the Chicago-area, with the cajones to pull a stunt like this on any given Sunday, please inform me NOW!

I am ready to follow this pastor to wherever he is going.

I mean I wake up, go to church and a damn car show breaks out!

REFINANCE YOUR SOUL.

REFINANCE YOUR SOUL.

LORD HAVE MERCY,

REFINANCE YOUR SOUL!

The worst thing about it is the parishioners bought it, wholesale.

<

Proving, there are balls. and then there are GLOBES!

On A Cold Day

Is there any group of people easier to hate than the drivers of CTA buses?

They of the, "nothing for 30 minutes", then BAM!,  3 back-to-back-to-back?

This is the 21st Century, can't they get the schedule right?

And don't you just love that, after waiting on that corner with 15 of your neighbors, the bus that stops is the PACKED one, while it's empty counterpart just zips by.

And don't you love that when you get on that packed bus after you have lost two fingers and a toe to frostbite, the bus driver is angry, AT YOU! "Hurry up, I'm running late", they scream at the top of their lungs, though you are just 16 inches from their face. 

And don't you just love how, now that the bus is sardine can tight with people, the driver decides this might be the time to slam on the brakes at every opportunity, sending Starbuck's coffee and untold amounts of flesh towards your person.

And don't you just love how, since the bus is full to the gills, the driver shows no patience for people trying to get off at their stops, driving off just seconds after stopping, leaving passengers to walk the extra distance from the next stop AFTER the one they wanted.

And don't you love how sometimes while you are waiting for your bus for so long, the mere sight of it in the distance is enough to steel your fortitude, making the "warming dance" you have been doing, in front of that really hot neighbor you were going to ask out, dissipate to rocking? Then suddenly as the bus comes closer into view you notice the "Not In Service" sign and you have to break back into your embarrassing dance, I mean rock. No I mean dance. Don't you just love that?

 

And don't you just REALLY love the driver that pulls his bus 3 feet away from you at the beginning of a run, then pulls out their newspaper and starts to read. All the while there are 25 people waiting to get on, in sub-zero weather. No they cannot read while you are on the bus with them in the warmth, you must freeze your tail off while watching their lips move through the fog emerging from sewer covers.

I mean, you just have to really give it up to anyone that has the ability to give warmth and comfort to their fellow citizens by the mere push of a (open) button, but can dig deep and find the resolve to ignore them instead. 

WHERE?

DO?

THEY?

FIND?

THESE?

PEOPLE?

What is it about a really cold day that just gets my blood to boiling about them?

Oh, I know. I must be thinking about THIS!

Privatizing Treachery

Imagine a world where treachery reigned supreme.

Imagine no more... and Welcome to Chicago.

The city that fines you 10,000%, IMMEDIATELY, for not feeding a parking meter.

Yes, if you are 12 seconds late on that 25 cent parking meter...

• your fine is not 50 cents, which would be 100%..
  
• not $2.50, which would be 1000%...
  
• but a whopping $25.00, a 10,000% fine for your offense.
  

Now if you do not pay that fine in 30 days, these things come in the mail a lot of the time folks, your fine DOUBLES.

So make that a 20,000% fine, your .25 offense is now costing you $50.00.

If applied to your mortgage payment, the average U.S. mortgage being about $1700 per month for a $215,000 home, being late on a payment would mean:

By the time you woke up the morning after that payment was due, you would owe your bank $170,000 for THAT MONTH'S mortgage payment.

If you missed the following month, because you didn't know they had not received your check, your total payment due for that ONE MONTH would be $340,000.

Now imagine if you did not pay (wow who could), you would be locked out of your house without warning and given 10 days to come up with the money. If the money was not paid within 10 days, your house AND IT'S CONTENTS would be sold at an auction you could not participate in or know about.

This is what happens to cars with unpaid tickets in the City of Chicago. I do not want to hear bout how "extreme" the example is, THIS HAPPENS and more often than any of us know of.

All this frustration comes on the heels of the City of Chicago's decision to sell the rights to our parking meter system to a private company for the next 75 years.

The announcement was coupled nicely with news that the mew meter rates for neighborhoods would rise, IN 26 DAY ON JANUARY 1, 2009, from 25 cents and hour to $1.00 an hour, a 400% rate hike.

Think that's horrible?

The parking meters in downtown Chicago will now cost... $6.00 an hour.

That is 10 cents for every minute!

So while there was heated and vigorous debate as to whether the minimum wage should be raised for HUMAN BEINGS, many of which work downtown in eateries at at retailers, from their current rate TO $6.55 an hour now and $7.25 an hour starting July 24, 2009, we all readily accept an inanimate objet needs it's $6.00 an hour to survive.

I say I have no problem with the new rates, as long as they change the parking meters to mirror the picture at the top of this post.

This Looks Interesting, No?

BDT is Che

5 Rules For Customers This Holiday Season

Consumers have to realize, there are rules to shopping. I know you feel empowered by your ability to spend, but you MUST follow these rules during the Holiday Season because there are so many more people in the stores with you.

5. Don't Talk on Your F-ing Cell Phone While Paying For Your Purchase.

This is so personally offensive to me, I have actually asked people in front of me to cease and desist on several occasions. I mean, did you buy your home while not paying attention? Does not the person ringing your purchase deserve the dignity of eye contact, and perhaps even a "thank you", you dolt?

4. Don't Haggle!

If your name is not William Shatner, you have no right to bargain. There are certain places that find such low behavior acceptable; used car lots, drug dealers and hookers come to mind. However, when you see a sign at Nordstrom that says "75% off", you should be thanking your lucky stars, not asking the embarrassing, "Is that the best price?"

This year don't wait until Christmas to find dignity under the tree, start now. Pay or walk away.

3. Don't Bring "Muffy" to the Mall.

Generally speaking, this is a trick by unattractive, badly dressed hags, young and old alike. They are not concerned about their dogs being home alone while they run out for a few hours. The concern is how, between their 14 facial surgeries and ill-fitting, age-inappropriate Juicy Couture? velour track outfit, they will be received by the public at large. 

There are enough people at the stores this time of year for me to have to be worried about stepping in doggie poo WHILE TRYING ON SHOES!

One year when I (full disclosure)worked in retail, a woman brought a damn MONKEY in the store I worked. Yes, you heard correctly, a f-ing monkey. The woman was there for less than 2 minutes before she walked to the counter, the monkey jumped off her shoulder and... wait for it.... wait for it... PISSED on the countertop!

She looked down, gave an embarrassed smile and then, WALKED OUT. 

No sorry. No slapping the monkey (ha ha, oops). No offer to wipe up the simian soup. Just eased on down the road.

The haz-mat team cleaned the glass and the stains on the counter, but as you can tell the stain on my soul remains.

Leave "Fluffy" at a friend's if you must, but spare us the recycled IAMS.

2. Don't Get Mad About Sold Out Ad Items.

That is why retailers advertise, to sell not just stuff, but particular stuff.

While any reasonable person understands that it's 5 minutes to close on Christmas Eve and you have a perfectly good copy of the August advertisement, but sometimes other people like the things you like too.

Therefore, choose something else we have in stock, ask for a suggestion, or start thinking of which color Walgreen's cassette player you will be giving  your wife best matches the ink on the divorce papers she gives in return.

Take 5 minutes now and develop a plan, nobody is that busy.

1. When Returning Your Gifts, Don't Tell Us the Story of Why... Unless Asked.

I don't care that you are allergic to bottled water (nobody is!), just say I need the cash or say nothing.

People are quick on the draw when explaining the many reasons they cannot keep the UN- OPENED, UNWRAPPED gift they seek refund for. It is not the store's business why you are bringing it back, and if the salesperson wanted to listen to stories of your familial oddities, they would put your ass on the couch and make you pay by the hour.

Every person feels bad about bringing stuff back. However, you shouldn't, unless it was given with true sentiment. In that case you disgust me, you ungrateful succubus!

So save the story and take this voucher for $2 over to the Service Desk for your refund.

5 Rules for Retailers This Holiday Season

There are rules in every relationship. These apply to every retailer I plan on visiting this Holiday Season while Christmas Shopping, but feel free to keep them in place year round.

5. Don't Ask If I Want to Open a Charge Card. 

We are at a period of time where people trust banks less than pimps. Anyone with a brain is consolidating their cards to Amex and, perhaps, Mastercard. Ask me if I want to buy some weed before you ask me if I want another credit-card. So I will take a pass on your offer Mr./Mrs. Hot Topic.

4. Don't Try to "Sell" Me.

I am here for the $3 - 60" flat screen television set  with home theater system. I am not surprised it's sold out, but don't try to sell me the $5.25 version. I know it's a great deal, but we are in a Depression, man.

3. Stop putting so many "Sale" signs everywhere. 

I think the sale flyer I received in the mail, the sale sign in the window and online, the sale sign on every fixture and at the register are quite enough. I have seen them at the urinal, back of the bathroom stall door and even at the doctors office. Give me a break, you are starting to sound desperate.

2. DO NOT CALL ME!!! LIKE NEVER, EVER!!

I did not know people still purchased stuff over the phone. At least not since the internet has been invented. So let me ask the question:

Do I buy from someone I have never met over the phone, something that I cannot see and have know way of knowing what you will do with my information? Or...

Do I go the "risky" route and buy online, where I can see everything, compare prices, read reviews, ask experts and pay, all in a 100% guaranteed secure environment?

Enough said!

But even worse...

1. DON'T ASK ME IF I AM "LOOKING FOR SOMETHING SPECIAL"!!!

This happens all the time. My response is always the same, "Nope, I am looking for something average, or even sub-par if you have it."

Who, in their right mind, would buy a gift for anyone they did not think was special?

The question is so tired, thoughtless and condescending.

I made an effort to get off my duff and do some shopping, I deserve a little effort from your greeting. I don't know, maybe "Hello" might be apropos.

Let's all get along now.

Mint Rendition

Okay, I have had enough.

I can't stand it one more second.

Please blow up the Franklin Mint!

From age immemorial I have been subjected to the collectible plates and coins of the FM.

I have never seen such fine offerings:

• The Indian Mystic Warrior porcelain sculpture
  
• The Dancing Lucille Ball Vinyl Collection
  
• The John Wayne Mini-Bell Jar
  
• The Harley Davidson Road Kings Firefighters, Special Edition
  
• The American Bald Eagle Knife
  

and of course, 

• the Complete U.S. State Quarters Deluxe Checkers Set
  

I was able to overcome my strong urge to pick up the phone and dial through it all.

However now, they have broken me.

Who can resist the constant drumbeat of commercials trumpeting the.....

"Barack Obama Inaugural Dollar"?

I mean, I know this "dollar" is, according to the website, "not available in public circulation", aka worthless. So the $9.95 + Shipping and Handling, which is "$20 off the set price", looks like a real steal (for who is still being debated).

So if you are like me, and want to, "remember the day our country came together as one and changed forever", call nowwWW!

sobriety test sold separately.

Childhood Narcolepsy

One thing I wish I could bottle up, Childhood Narcolepsy.

That is the inevitable sleep youngsters experience when trying to wait up for Santa. 

It's like no matter what you did: sleep late the day before, take a nap during the day, drink coffee, pop No-Doze, do a few lines, throw a rave in your house or tape your eyes open...at some point we always fell asleep. 

Once we awoke on Christmas Day, the only thing helping us get over the disappointment of having fallen asleep, was all the presents in our greedy little palms.

I think the Christmas you decide to stop waiting up for Santa, is the your first Christmas on the downward slope to eventual cynicism.

And that just sucks.

Holiday Thoughts

Chicago is experiencing the "First Snow" today. It is so beautiful, I went from humbug to Jack Frost as soon as I looked out the window this morning.

I thought I might share some holiday cheer with everyone, so here are a few pics of our Christmas Tree (click images for better detail) I am not the best photographer. My honey is, but she's not home:

Full Tree Shot

And Another:

Close-up of the madness. I was mad about the camel painting in the background until I realized, even my mistakes are genius!!! Camel = 3 Wise Men, or at least 1 Wise Man.



Better close detail with our crazy birds and butterflies.



Hope these put you a little bit more in the holiday mood. I'll get back to the funny shortly.