Are you as mad about the way this product is being marketed as I am?

Last time I checked Siamese twins are people too!

Even one's connected at the genitalia.

Mixed Signals

Have you ever seen an Eskimo sandal? How a pair of Zulu boots?

No?

Well perhaps that has to do with their cultures being developed around the climates in which they live. The cold climate of the Eskimo required tall, warm boots, good for walking through packed snow and ice. The intense heat of South Africa (the country, not the CONTINENT, Sarah) meant minimal clothing was best. So the Zulu people went with a style of shoe that was as open as possible, but protected the bottom of their feet from the scorched earth. They called it a sandal.

Both worked well for hundreds, if not thousands of years.

Fast forward to America, 2008.

We have people in this country, and other "developed" countries, that seem a bit more conflicted in their choice. For example: 

Come on people, which is it? Too warm for shoes, or too cold to walk around barefoot?

We have to find what person started this crap and why it's allure is so toxic. I have spoken at length, to people working in the fashion industry, with opinions I respect, that swear by it being "okay."

If we let these people win this argument, what comes next....

Nutty Thought

I was just watched the trailer for "Appaloosa", which looks like a pretty awesome cowboy movie. Ed Harris directs and stars, alongside Viggo Mortenson. 

Anyway, I am not going to get in the habit of movie reviews, but you should know I had the strangest thought when a certain actor's face popped up on screen.

Do you think Renee Zellweger owns a cashew factory?

Oh, Come On!!!!!

Is this lady even for real?

Is she headed to a Halloween party, as John Travolta? Or Doctor Who?

This a cautionary tale on a few levels:

1. If you invent anything, someone, somewhere is going to beat a path to your door.
   
2. If you are the type of person that cannot handle any of your clothes getting a wee wet, go to that big meeting with the board in the only suit fitted for such thinking, your birthday one!
   
3. If you are going to walk around in public inside a contraption such as this and be ashamed (notice her head is down and hair is in her face), get your plastic phone booth tinted!
   
4. Lastly, no matter how dumb you look, how bad you feel, how ashamed you are of going out on a limb to do something original...there will ALWAYS be someone nearby, crestfallen and jealous they are not in your shoes (look at the staring guy behind her with his daughter umbrella).
   

By the way I take everything I said back if this lady was the plaintiff in the R. Kelly trail.

P. You

Do you cycle to work? 

Yeah?

Well, you kind of shouldn't!

There are many reasons, but let's discuss the most important.

You stink when you arrive...and you are in the cubicle next to me.

SOOOO WHILE....

You are thinking about the global carbon footprint.

I am thinking of the putting my foot in your....

You are thinking of how fun whizzing through traffic is.

I am thinking of how much you stink of whizz.

While you are cheesing at the thought of your "great work-out."

I am thinking of the cheese that has accumulated in the area where your thigh and balls meet.

While you can't stop smiling about that cool vegan chick you met with the skateboard.

I am trying to figure out how to tell you there are two dead, mating dragonflies stuck to your teeth.

The point of it is, you have no idea of your odor when you bicycle to work. Yes, some companies offer shower facilities, though most do not. You think just because you did not  work up a vigorous sweat, you are not ponging. 

But you kind of are.

You know how you can sit in the bathroom taking the "Dump from the Black Lagoon" without barfing? That same mechanism is obviously in play here.

So do me a favor tomorrow, catch the train. Because for gallon of fuel you save by cycling to work, I consume 50 extra gallons of water each night crying in the shower, hoping you get promoted.

No Homo

When I learned the RIGHT for gay couples to marry was RESCINDED, I got to thinking about how such a thing could have happened.

According to media reports, every demographic category voted "NO" on the measure, 

save Latinos (53%) and Blacks  (70%). So the minority population decided to vote 

TAKE AWAY the rights of others, unbelievable.

But instead of dwelling on 

blah, blah, blah...I got to thinking about how the rampant, turn-the-other-cheek (pun intended) homophobia in minority, especially Black, communities can be rooted out.

Simple answer, Hip-Hop!

The guys at the top of the page are the biggest stars of the most homophobic art form on the planet, which is just fine. However, if you are not going to ADVOCATE for equality of ALL people in your music, then stop bragging, ON WAX, about how many of the products Gay people produce you own.

"I got a Versace this, a Tom Ford that." Give me a break!

There are so many African-Americans that crack jokes about their "Gay Uncle" and use the name of this post, "No Homo", as a if it where a non-conjugated verb at the Palin Family reunion, then turn and brag about their new Christian Dior glasses.

Am I missing something?

If the Hip-Hop Superstars above can create a ground-swell of demand for products created by the LGBT community, which no sane person can say has not happened, surely they can at least TRY to do the same for their human rights.

Am I wrong?

Ringing Endorsement

Thank God for ring around the collar!

I was thinking happy thoughts today when I was struck by terrible bolt of confusion.

What if there were no ring around the collar?

I should start by confessing my aversion to any type of bacteria, human or otherwise. I just think you can never wipe or wash your bum enough for my satisfaction. It's just never clean.

Anyway, I got to thinking about the genius in God creating ring around the collar. Let's be real people, that is really how we measure when it's time for something to go to the dry cleaner. 

You don't grab a shirt and look at the inner chest area. You go straight to the neck, flip it over and find proof that you are one nasty mo-fo for looking in the first place. If your collar was a Swiffer, your neck would be the dance floor at a rave. 

You see, our creator knew you were nasty like that, so he made a little reminder to stop you from expressing your inner-Neanderthal. And utilize the gift he gave us 'cause he's still mad at us for inventing the Jheri-curl.

Buyer Beware

One thing that still perplexes me is the uproar over fake boobs.

Now don't get me wrong, medical disasters of all types occur more frequently than any of us care to contemplate, so we should not be out emulate someone else's misfortune. 

That said, I am talking specifically about how women discuss other women with fake boobs. "Oh, you know those are fake." 

"Did she buy those at Wal-mart?" 

"Nope she got them at the Woolsworth!" (Coen bros. homage)

What is the big deal? So what she got all fixed up. Is there a problem with trying to keep your game tight, within reason? Are you willing to stop wearing make-up? Didn't think so.

Now before I show how hypocritical you ladies are about this, I want to say something about the guys out here.

NO MAN HAS A PROBLEM WITH FAKE BOOBIES! THAT INCLUDES YOUR MAN, you know the one that is first to point out how "terrible" every pair looks.

Men may not like fake boos, or be attracted to women with fake boobs. But please don't tell me any of us have an actual "problem" with fake boobs. We're men! We can adapt to anything for the sake of survival. If there's no more beer, we'll switch to wine. If we can't catch a cab, we'll walk. If the milk is all gone, we have been known to eat a few handfuls of cereal, dry. This drive is what has preserved our stupid ass all these millennia.

That means, YES, if there are no real boobs to look at, fake boobs go from wine spritzers to single-malt whiskey, and within the space of the period gracing the end of this sentence.

Pamela Anderson and Posh Spice are not multi-millionaires because of women, are they?

But let's get back to you women. Now here is a question. If men could get fake cock, would you have a problem with it? Didn't think so. 

"Yeah, he used to be 4 inches girl, but he went and messed himself up and now he packin'."

I don't think you would call up your girlfriend the  day after a date to tell her all about how you threw him out after he got you all worked up and then flashed an enormous cock that was only "mostly real." I don't foresee husbands arguing with their wives about "keeping things the same 'cause that's what I am used to." I cannot imagine a scenario where either conversation takes place.

And men, you will be lined up when medical advances make such things possible. I believe the well-documented profitability of the wonder-drug, Viagra, proves just that.

As a matter of fact, I think most wives and girlfriends, when met with the idea from her husband of him getting some fake cock, would tell him, "I'll get the keys and meet you at the car. The kids can feed themselves this evening."

So ladies, think a bit more compassionately, if not empathetically, upon your sisters when you see them. They are just like you save that one middling difference. Besides, your frown is blocking your husbands view.

How I Know The World Is Coming to an End

Look at the picture on top. Either someone tricked this man into thinking his grandchild is a Wolf-man of some sort, or he is pushing a GIGANTIC dog in a STROLLER!

Are you kidding me? Is this what lies ahead for me in my retirement years? I guess we can play fetch right now while I am still young and strong, but as soon as I start drawing a pension I have to be all, "hey Rex, let's (literally) go for a stroll."????

If the very idea of a stroller for BIG dogs does not blight your faith in humanity's future, I ask you to take a look at picture 2 and 3 up above.

Okay, now those were close-up photos of a few features on the big dog stroller. Yeah, nothing really about a trap door for poop in there, or did I miss that. Maybe it has a commode on the inside, next to the bidet? Perhaps he, like me by that time, will be familiar with peaceful, un-rushed experience of wearing a diaper. 

Anyway, the problem with those two photos are, they show you how the cart comes with lots of secret compartments for HIDING YOUR WALLET!!!

So let me get this straight. I adopt you, feed you, pay for your medical care, play with you while you are young, buy the house with the big yard so you can run around, and even push you around in a stroller while all my friends fall over laughing at me. However, should my life be threatened while I am out taking your (literally) stankin' ass out for a walk, I need to HIDE MY STUFF???

So you can't growl or nothing, you can't bite someone to protect me? What, did I forget the part of the story where i am obviously chewing your food for you as well?

Tell you what Pincher. What say tomorrow morning, sometime after I wake and use the bathroom, or use the bathroom and then wake, we go play catch in the woods for old times sake?

I'm Just Saying...

Does this look like a photo of: 

1. A beloved pet, too tired to walk? 
2. Maybe a sick friend of the family, on the way home from the vet or a long plane ride?
3. My dark suspicion, GROCERIES?!?!?!?!
   

If you chose 3, you're racist!!! Flat out.

 

You should really evaluate your moral standing. Go see if you are psychologically fit to be a part of a large, diverse society. 

Really, get some help....No, I mean for the dog. Dinner is in 3 hours.

ps. The cage looks like it was found floating in the water during Hurricane Katrina.

Arf (save), Arf (me), Arf (someone)!!!